Totem's tips (may contain immature subject matter)

[Bearspoor]

This is a new section where I, Dr. Totemsmoker BMF., will give advice to anyone who needs help with any situation. This section grew from the overwhelming support I have received from my advice that I gave to Ikilledhomer, who was having lady problems (you're welcome by the way )
Today we'll just start out with just some general tips for living.....
Beer tastes better cold
A good game of hockey is just as good as bad sex
A tauren rogue would never work because they shed too much hair
Until she gets a restraining order, you still have a shot
A slap is just a physical way of a girl playing hard to get, a knee to the groin is just plain mean.
More than a handful is never a waste
Books on tape are awesome for long car rides
Canadians have coloured money so we don't overpay for stuff when we're in the middle of a 5 day bender and your best friend's sister propositions you for $20, you don't want to give her a fifty, conversely, don't wanna give her a $5.
Never, under any circumstances have sex with your best friend's sister!!!
Unless he'll never find out, then go hard.


If you would like to have your probelms solved by a licensed, trained, professional, you'll have to pay some money. If you want to get your problems solved cheap, just send em to Totem

[steelyorc]

Dear Totem,

I'm so freakin good looking that people hate me....

I know you have this problem too...how do you deal???

Also...any crowd control tips for the dozens of ladies mobbing us anytime we go outside would be appreciated too...

Your faithful green hunter....

Da Orc

[Bearspoor]

Thank you Steely for your question. I'll answer the second question first, for it's answer leads into your other query.

Almost daily I am mobbed leaving my house by ladies wanting to have my love child. This is quite flattering, but can get annoying. Now, as many of you may know, the size of a man's penis is based upon his looks. Seeing as I am extremely handsome, my man member is between 18 and 21 inches flaccid, depending on the quality of my hair that day. So when my hump stump(trademark pending) becomes fully engorged, it becomes it's own crowd control tool, the site of it causing many women to pass out from a single glance.

There are some enterprising women (generally gymnasts, former gymnasts, yoga masters, and one unfortunate grandmother, whom i am not allowed to discuss due to ongoing litigation) who are able to manage to mount my man meat. This has caused many paternity suits, but since they did not ask for permission to take my seed, this is seen as rape, and all said suits have been dismissed.

This, however, has caused many problems with husbands, boyfriends, and fathers, which invariably leads to physical confrontations. One of the bonuses of being as remarkably handsome as i am is that your looks grant you the ability to master any martial art for a short period of time (the longest recorded event was by David Hasslehoff in 1992, when he acquired the total knowledge and ability to do every position in the kama sutra for 10 minutes and 18 seconds, allowing him to impregnate 381 women). This skill, however, often leads to trouble with law enforcement. Luckily for me, the judge in our area is female and we have a "get me off to get off" system worked out, which usually entails about three pumps with the wonder stump (TM). Unfortunately for me, I've been forced to build the judge a new set of quarters a few blocks away from the courthouse because her "verdicts" shall we say were too loud .

I hope this helps you with your problems steely.

Totem's tip of the day is if you think she may have an std, make sure to take a peroxide dip after she leaves. A little stinging after you blow is a lot better than it burning when you pee.

As always, comments and questions are welcome. If the question is about a woman, please enclose an 8x10 nude shot so I may better form a proper reply for her, errrrrr i mean you

[Bearspoor]

No preamble today, let's get right to the problem.

Thanks for the question Celyn/Jeff

What I normally do is give a nod to the guy who is staring at me, roll back over and continue my less than rhythmic snoring. Hey God forgives, right??

Flatulence in the house of God is never a good thing, it mixes with the incense and ruins the taste of the upcoming wine. Unless the wine has already been served then you have a built in answer of "The wine gives me gas" accompanied by a helpless shrug. If this is your third wine serving church service of the morning, this probably isn't far from the truth.

Now since you have a lady friend, you have many other built in answers. I recommend turning to her and whispering loudly "I told you the chili dogs were a bad idea!!!" or saddling up to the guy that heard you and saying "It's the only thing that keeps her awake these days........well that and the monkey sex we had in the car on the ride over. High five!" If the bastard doesn't give you a high five, he's gonna burn in hell, because the high five is the ultimate of praises for the man upstairs.

I hope that helps you with your religious problems.

My tip of the day........Women are like blankets, they're great to wrap around you at night, but come the morning you don't wanna see them until you get ready for bed again.

And for you ladies of the guild(no i haven't forgotten about you), the easiest way to get a man is this:
1)show up to his house/apartment/room/street corner
2)Bring beer (Pizza may be substituted for beer if a) he is underage/mormon and b) it has a craptacular amount of meat and few vegetables)
3)Be naked

That is all..........


Totem

[Bearspoor]

Ok, after sobering up and rereading(maybe just reading it for the first time, that might explain it) this piece of.....i don't even know what to call it. i have come to the conclusion that you do not have to be subjugated to the crapiness that was my last column, so I have struck it from the record, and it shall now be known as the Highlander II of Totem's Tips.

Totem's tip of the day: Many people think viagra is just for old men, this just isn't so.....it's the cure all for just about everything: whiskey d1ck, it shortens the interval between shots, and takes away that whole being attracted to the girl thing, i mean a knot in a tree could get it up........

on a side note, Jeff why have i not received pictures of the single bridesmaids yet? This is unacceptable, please get the pics to me post haste!!!!!!!!!!! (I never asked what they looked like, just send me the pics, cause nothin makes a girl hotter than being within ten feet of the girl saying "i do") And if you do em doggie, you don't have to see their face anyway.......

That is all

Totem

[Bearspoor]

Well, it's been a few days since i have last livened things up here with some tips for my fellow guildies.

Now, I know that many of your lives have improved immensely since you have met yours truly, but I know that some of you members that have not spent many minutes with the Totem have not achieved perfection of life as yet. And as such, must have questions that I am more than willing to help you solve. If you need some referrals just ask Ikilledhomer, who now has caught his lady love. Or Steelyorc, who is now better able control his legion of lady fans. And Celyn, our tireless and fearless leader, who now is not ashamed of his noxious emanations in the house of the lord (no, not my house, though people have made that mistake before), and has made sunday service just a little more exciting for all those around him.

This morning, as I was rolling away from my third sexual conquest before the sun had cleared the horizon, I had an epiphany.............
It was a glorious thing, birds began chirping, the clouds cleared and the sun shone on my face as choirs of angels heralded the news. In all this glory, however, my lady lance, which was being tended to by a very flexible nurse, became so enthused at the absolute perfection of the moment that it grew to a size that I, and the now speechless nurse, could not believe, or fully swallow, as it were.....
The problem with what occurred is that the clam splitter is a muscle, and as such, requires blood to keep it at attention. This drew the blood from the rest of my body, thus leaving me unconscious.

Luckily for me, the moment being perfect as it was, had enabled me to complete my duties in a manner much quicker than normal, thus ending the poor girls predicament, as well as my own forced nap. After recovering my faculties, doing some minor wall repairs, set upon my day with renewed vigour since my epiphany was...........no longer in my memory. I looked up at the heavens, and saw God staring down at me. The old bastard give me a wink and the thumbs up and we high fived in our minds, cause that's how we do it.

Totem's tip of the day: You can get rid of AIDS, all it takes is for you to sleep with 30 virgins. The way to find a virgin, look for the ugliest girl in grade 3.


That is all

Totem

[Bearspoor]

Thank you Syvak for the question I greatly appreciate it.........
Ok heeeeeeeere we go.

Marijuana, or pot as it is commonly referred to is an illegal substance that is most commonly smoked, though it can be eaten, especially when combined with baking, in foods such as cookies or brownies.

My first interaction with marijuana was in the cookie form. I went over to a buddy's house and we were sitting around the living room watching the game (Otago vs. Canterbury if my mind serves me) and on the coffee table were these delicious looking chocolate chip cookies. Buddy tells me I can have a few. So I do. They tasted a little off, but I was hungry so i quickly scarfed down five or six of them. Before too long I started to get hungry again, so i had three more (the guys I was with were starting to chuckle by this time). They were much tastier now. After I had finished the plate ff I noticed that my thought process was starting to slow slightly, and everything everyone said was a little funnier than it had been. They started to pack the five man bong and asked me if i wanted to partake in a hoot or six, but i told them that I don't do drugs, which sent them into fits of laughter. After 5 or 6 minutes of laughing our asses off they told me what were in those cookies, but by this time I was high and didn't really care, so we all took turns on the bong and had a great night.

To answer your question Sy, I see nothing wrong with smoking weed recreationally, it's a great mood alterer, as well as a damn fine pain reliever. If your job is mind numbing, smoke a doob or two before the really boring days. Your girlfriend wants you to watch some god awful chick flick, pot may give you the strength to make it through. It extends foreplay and sex, which is always a good thing.

For you pot heads out there that are in school, I have a tip for you.... If most of your study sessions involve a hoot or two (to relieve stress of course!!) you may want to consider writing the test while high. The theory behind this is called same state learning. The condition in which you learn something will be better remembered in that same state. You guys ever notice that you remember things you did while drunk much better the next time you are drunk, rather than the morning after you got drunk??? Same theory applies there too.

My advice for smoking pot: As long as you don't miss work/school/your wedding, it's all good, keep puffin, and never bogart it, cause if you do, I'll come over personally kick you in the shin. And remember it's puff puff pass.

Totem's tip of the day: If you meet a really hot chick at a wedding dance, remember to ask her if she's your cousin before going to her hotel room. If you forget to do this, do not ask in the morning, just leave quickly in the morning before your aunt wakes you up for breakfast. And make sure to double wrap it, it adds girth as well as protection.

That is all

[Bearspoor]

Well my fellow guildie's I'vve noticed that comments and questions have been noticeably absent to my column. This has saddened me beyond all recognition, leaving me an empty shell, devoid of all wit,and no desire for sexual conquest.
This creates some burden on me, as I do not like to draw on my own personal life to write in this column, as we found out in "The Quickening" edition of my column.

But alas, I must try to do this again......

My buddy, age: old balls (closest estimate is he was alive before Jim Morrison died, but since writing had not been invented yet......) has a young, fairly flexible girlfriend (estimate here is she has more knowledge of Mylie Cyrus than anyone should have). His problem is that she lives in a different state then he does (They met on guild chat and it was a match made in WoW heaven), and is a little afraid that she might need more physical contact if you will than he is able to give from where he lives now.
This got me thinking about some of my conquests of younger females, and possible aftermaths if a relationship had developed. Granted, I was only looking to conduct a siege on the panty palace, using my battering ram of lust to batter down her quivering walls of envelopment. Looking back on it now, some of those women had considerable gifts to offer, and maybe I should have staged a much longer offensive rather than a one night coup d'etat.
But i digress from my buddy's problem. He is obviously worried that this hot little number may become bored with only being able to talk to him on the phone and have the occasional romp in the elwyn forest, and go searching for something a little more her age, and much closer in distance.
My advice to this guy is that she's with him for a reason, most teenage to mid 40 year old men are immature pricks who only want sex, and most of the rest are gay, leaving very few good guys, and most of them got hooked early, leaving well him, me(well maybe not me) and the single guys in this guild(mad props my brothers from different mothers) as the only suitable breeding material left, and so far as I know, I live the closest to her, and per our "arrangement" she is unable to come within "3 city blocks" of me (her grandma was mentioned in an earlier column, though still, case pending resolution), so that keeps both of us safe. And so far as the members of this guild go, I love you all, but if you make a move on this girl, you may just find out if and what a bear shits in the woods lol.
Younger women are a blessing and a curse. A blessing due to their eagerness to please and being more "experimental" in the sexual realm. But a curse is because well have you heard an 18 year old talk!?! My god, no wonder they give such good blowjobs, it's the only way to shut them, like, up. And well, having more in common with the parents than the gf is a little harsh(such as borrowing their vinyl, owning the same vintage cars, being in the same bowling league as them and well since we're in Canada and winter is fast approaching, bonspieling as the father's second). So I can only wish my buddy all the best and hope that she has an older sister..........

And for Totem's tip of the day: If you're trying to pick up women by being like David Caruso in Jade, good on ya, but watch out for the sunglasses, you can poke yourself in the eye really easily, and that, my friends, just doesn't look cool at all......though with luck she'll be a naughty nympho nurse and she'll nurse and hump you back to health.

That is all.

[Bearspoor]

Alas my brothers and sisters, i sit before this computer of mine looking at no comments and questions for Totemsmoker............is this because he has not been online in months and you all have forgotten about him......maybe. Is this because you have no problems that you need solving? I doubt it. Is it because I give absolutely shitty advice? Of course not! And I am offended that I even thought such a thing! Excuse me for a moment while my ego and brain go have an epic duel involving dual wielded quest marks to decide who's gonna write this column ............................................................................................................................................... Ok now that that's settled, I can get down to business.
My buddy is finally moving out of his girlfriend's apartment into one with his buddy. I know this sounds backwards but hear me out on this one. He wasn't so much living there as he was homeless without her, so he was basically crashing there with his gf and her two female roommates (neither single, I tried that angle, to moderate success). SO my little friend finally spread his wings and got his own place.....two blocks away......and well i think i may have spent more nights in his bed (1) than he has.
The question you may be asking yourself is "Jarrett, do you have a point?" And that answer of course is "Probably not." The other question you may have asked is "Why are you happy that he is spending more money yet still staying at her place?" And that my friends is where this column will take off! (I hope)

You see, men are complex creatures and are very much in need of our own space. I'd go over to his gf's place, give her a kiss on the cheek, a pat on the ass and look around..............Girl's stuff!!!!!!!! Everywhere!!!!!! It was like an estrogen rocket exploded and put..............(for a lack of a better term) sparkly shit everywhere. It was like a spore attack of potpourri, would have damn near suffocated me if it hadn't been for the chili and bourbon morning breath I was sporting that afternoon.
I mean stuffed animals are alright, but I don't think they need there own chairs, nor should I have to sit on the floor because your 5ft tall Baloo bear is having a nap on the couch.
As time goes on a man may succumb to the nice smelling, round edged world that a woman resides in. This is why a man needs his own space............

What is necessary in a man's space: (in no particular order, because putting thing in order is what women always try to do!)
A TV: must be at least 46" unless there are four different ones in the room, then the average size must be above 30"
Comfy seating with no more than one cushion per chair. Chairs must recline, yet still give unobstructed view of the tv (or at least half of the tvs in the room)
Limit of 1 couch for every two chairs in the room, because guys should not have to be touching other guys while having man time.
The main TV must always have sports/action/horror shows on at all times, unless you are workin on a little sumthin sumthin.
The scent: This may be the most important part of the whole room. Here's what I have:
1 part sweaty gym sock( for those sports memories)
2 parts bbqed steak smell
2 parts liquor/beer scent
1 part nacho chip
1 part garlic/chili
1 part cuban cigar smoke
1 part wet dog(no matter how hard i try it always shows up!)
2 parts dirty sex smell
1 part "incense" (wink, wink)

Now to food and beverage:
Beer fridge! need it want it, got room get two!
anything meat related can be served, with the exception of finger sandwiches, ah fuck it they can come in too.
Chips! Yup, even if they're healthy, they're still chips.
Chocolate: only in bar form. Or m & m type dealies.
Pop, if it doesn't take room away from beer, it's all good.
And so far as I know, that's all the food, so moving on.......
Women:
Single, unattached: hells yes, as long as they don't talk much or try to change the channel.
Girlfriends: no, unless the total number of men in the room is uneven, then one gf can come in. The rotation should chosen beforehand and taped to the wall somewhere, preferrably with duct tape. If another man comes in, the gf must leave. If two men come in , the next gf on the rotation comes in, with the original gf leaving.
Lighting: Piss poor at best, though sex lights should be installed for those nights of conquest (thus the dirty sex smell)
Closeness to the bathroom: No more than 10 ft from a pisser, and no more than 20 from an outside door, with sufficient shrubbery/fencing near.
Games/Billiards: as many as you can squeeze in. A pool table may not be all that comfortable, but it makes a serviceable seat/bed.
Cleanliness: "I think it was cleaned once...." Perfect!

And this, my friends, and friendettes, is what a mans' area is all about.

Now since my buddy just moved in about a week ago it should take him, well.........it should be man ready by now, so I think I'm gonna head over there clear the passed out hooker of the couch and watch the Grey Cup (The Canadian Version of the Super Bowl, or actually it should be the Super Bowl is the American version of the Grey Cup)

That is all.

Totem's Tip of the Day:
If she looks like a cop, if she talks like a cop, but she says she's a hooker, don't offer your money up front, cause you might need that money for your lawyer.

[sloblo08]

Dear Totem,

I was hoping you might be able to shed some light on a very recent dilemma I have encountered. See I've been chatting with this guy on the Internet and he seems really nice and he's friggin' hilarious, he always makes me laugh, I've also seen his pic and he's not too bad on the eyes either. The problem is that I was hoping to soon take the relationship to the next level and meet this guy in person. I guess what I'm wondering is how do I know that he's interested or feels the same way or even if he wants to meet at all. Please help me out, I'm not sure what to do.
Thanks for your time,
sloblo08

[Bearspoor]

Ok I actually have a question to answer!!!!!!!!! This may be the greatest day of my life, except for maybe the orgy I was at last night.......but I digress. You have posed me an intriguing quandary slo blo(with a name like that i think i should get a video showing me this slo blo technique unless you're a dude, then you can show it to Nolin, cause his lady love hasn't been on too much lately(Narene says hi by the way)). Especially since I don't know if you are a guy or a girl, so I shall have to do this in two parts, the first being the female response, followed quickly by the male response.

If you're a chick.......
I believe I already answered this in an earlier column, show up, bring beer, be naked. But maybe you don't have his address yet, in which case going door to door being naked may be the best answer. True, you may not find the guy you are looking for, but you should be able to meet plenty of nice gentleman willing to pound your vag for ya.
If this is unacceptable as well(you may be a little nervous about showing your nude body to the general public, it happens, just keep doing it, they can only through you in jail for like a week for indecent exposure, though I have no experience with that ) I suggest just telling him that you wanna meet him. Just straight up, honest, no head games, cause well we get confused with big words easily. Pursue him like you want to be pursued. Guys have to make all the moves, and well it sucks balls, so it's about time for the women to take it in their own hands and make us feel like we're worth some effort! (am i right fellas?) If this doesn't work, talk to the CIA, with all the cutbacks going on in the states I'm sure they have a gadget or two for sale that can triangulate his cell phone so you can stalk *cough* i mean locate him so you can meet him without too many difficulties. I hope this answers your question.

If you're a dude.........
Here's what I would do if I were gay and trying to meet someone......I'd whip it out start doping the helicopter and say "Who wants a ride???" Now after about 20 or so guys and girls, hopefully your friend will have heard about what is happening, and come to see it for himself. If this comes to pass, well you're set, cause well since I have given you advice, your tube steak should have grown in approximation to the heart increase by the grinch( since it is the holiday season) and well even if you were only luggin around a few inches now, you should be a footlong now at least.

Or my advice from the ladies part holds true for you, all parts exept for the rant at the end. Show the guy that you wannt to meet him, and that you care about him, then when you finally meet him, you can give him a free colon exam with your yule log.

Totem's tip of the day: It's ok to get your lady friend something special for the holidays, just don't give it to her slightly hotter and very "friendly" sister that you were banging before you and your gf got together, and continued to bang only when your gf passed out, was out of town, fell asleep, and that one time she had trots really bad, and you were able to have a quickie while she was in the crapper. This may cause problems that may not be cured by three pumps of the wonder stump( it works the first two times, but after that you're up the creek). So please, for the sake of every guy, give her the gift at home, it saves us all the pain of seeing a lovers spat in the mall the next day when you're returning all the crap you got for gifts so you can afford a happy ending at the local massage parlour. Cause those fights are fun to watch when you're single, tend to get non single men into their own fights with their ladies. And we don't need that right now.


That is all.

[Bearspoor]

Well it's a new season, a new guild but it's the same old Totemsmoker!!! It's been a while since my genius has been granted upon the non-paying public, but it's time my wit has been unleashed once more! (Or maybe someone just finally asked me a question!!!!)

Well that's enough of a preamble for today, let's get down to business.......

Interesting query Baluga, if that is your real name! This question, though seemingly out of my areas of expertise,( pussies and doggies style) but since it deals with relationships, I believe I may have the answer to your dilemma.

I shall answer this using three separate scenarios, as I have not met you or your pets as yet.

a) Your cat and dog have spent too much time away from other animals of their own species, and have been forced to seek each other for comfort. This, for the most part, is your fault for not bring over bitches for your dog to get his non-existent rocks off and a few alley cats to come over and maul your pet pussy. As a result of your negligence, your pets are trying to accomplish what I tried to do years ago: Cross species breeding! After many unsuccessful attempts (I vividly remember my dad saying, "Son I know breeding a cat with a dog sounds like a good idea, but first the animals must be awake, and of different sexes. Throwing a cat and a dog in a burlap sack and shaking them about will not make babies." What can you say I was 3).

So my advice here, is get those pets laid and get em laid good. Since one pussy is taken care of, you should let the doctor make a house call to give you a full body physical......

2) Your cat is a dick. She was outside rollin in larval feces and comes in and rubs it in your poor dogs face. It's kinda like when a guy hotboxes his commuter car and refuses to roll down his windows. That is dickish, trust me, I have the passed out bodies in my garage to prove it. (One guy has been there for 2 months, he may have died, oh well I guess his wife can stay my girlfriend.) Easy fix here, whenever the cat comes in, hit em with the febreeze, the cat will smell potpourri fresh and will leave your puppies snout alone.

iii) It's a metaphor for the rest of your life. In this metaphor your cat is your pussy. He's trying to tell you that maybe you have to try something different (either meaning to experiment sexually, ie. doggie style and pages 97 through 146 of the kama sutra. I highly recommend page 124, exquisite, or that you just need something different in your life ie. cat doesn't equal sign dog). Your dog not running away is trying to tell you that you are still a vibrant, extremely attractive woman, and any man would be lucky to have you(on top of him)! (Go Pyleo!!)

As I said earlier I can only give you these vague tips as I have not seen your pets or nude photos (but I'm sure they're in the mail). I hope this helps your dilemma. If those fail, quite letting your dog eat the catnip.


Totem's tip of the day: With all the talk in the guild last night about breasts I just have to put my four cents in. (Why four cents you ask? Cause I'm twice as important as you are, dumbass) They say (who are these r-tards anyway?) more than a handful is a waste....The fuck are these people talking about? the only time it becomes a waste is if a girl wraps them up in a bra that squishes em flatter, then wears baggy clothes so that we are not able to see the glory that is your cans. The other time it can be a waste is when it is less than a handful. Being a visual gender we wanna things that pop! at us. An A cup just doesn't quite cover it. If they're only gonna get that big might as well go lesbian cause that would be like bangin a 12 year old........on second thought.............

That is all.....


Totem

[sin]

Dear Dr. Totem:

(long time, more or less, reader, first time poster, here at least)

I come to you today for some minor, but important advice seeking knowledge with multiple points of interest.

First) Is there a such thing as enjoying sex TOO much?

Second) Having been raised in Vegas, I've been exposed to (and most likely participated in) many of the "odd, bizarre and downright strange" goings on and have since become immune to the "shock factor" that most sexual exploration can bring. What would you reccomend (legal or non) to bring some flare back into the bedroom for someone such as myself?

Third) What is your suggestion for the inevitable "still pounding happily along, although the lady friend has finished numberous times" situation that comes from being as good as the 2 of us are (which most people know accept as common knowledge)?

Fourth) How the hell do you prevent the Chinese Swing from ripping the plaster out of the ceiling and falling from "extreme use" situations?!? (I'm really tired of repairing dry wall) (oh and as a side note... what's your opinion of The Helicopter?)

And Finally (for today) ) Seriously, is there a such thing as enjoying sex TOO much? I hear this spoken of, but fail to see the problem ... please enlighten me if at all possible.

Thank you for your upcoming and profound wisdom in my moments of need!

Sincerely,
One lucky SoB!!! (Sin ... aka Pyle (or Pyleo as some people have elementaryingly (TM pending) dubbed him))

[Bearspoor]

Well Sin my boy, thank you muchly for your question, though in the future could you please ask your questions in the question section of the tip page, it makes the reading of these much easier to avoid the confusion of thinking that I may actually need my own help. (you would be surprised how often people want me to seek help, kind of (oxy)moronic if you ask me).

Well that's enough chatting without actually doing any kind of actual helping, so let's get at it.

To answer your first question I just spent the last days having as much and as varied sex as I could possibly have (for scientific reasons of course )
The answer I have come up with is that it is possible to enjoy sex to much. But, that is only if you have sex with me (hint hint bubble and araedia), so you should be safe sin. (I hope to god you're not gonna have sex with me, well you can in your mind, that's cool). Any and all sex up to but not including me is fine to enjoy and will not put you over the top, so get on that pony and ride!!!!!

Your second question raised some serious concerns for me, but I think I have the solution for you. You may be entering into a relationship with one of the few women I would dub worthy of you. Every time you are with her it should feel like the first time (at least until her kids wake up, which leads to a whole nother level of entertainment). You should be worried less about the entertainment value for you, and more about the fulfillment that you are giving to her, because if she don't finish completely satisfied, you fail as my protege.

Thirdly, this has never been a problem for me as I have women take a number outside my door and wait until I have need of them. This is an easy fix for me as I have no significant other and thus the women who become jealous may settle their differences in the mud ring in the basement. For you on the other hand, this may not be as easy as that. Again, however, you have a woman with you that should make you feel like a 13 year old again, so you might be doing something akin to the three pumps with the wonder stump (TM). So you really have no need to worry.

Fourthly....... Another interesting question. I pondered long and hard over this, did some research, and a few very wet runs. (Long story, and some minor litigation to go through before I can tell it in whole). What i came up with is a recessed ceiling made out of a solid material that will not damage easily. i have a natural affinity for wood, so making an inlaid ceiling out of oak worked best for me. A stainless steel sex room will give you that neofuturistic look that some people go for. It adds class as well as easy clean up upon finishing. Concrete works well but is very hard to patch above your head. Wood is readily available and easily replaceable. It also gives the room a touch of class and a nice earthy scent.

Well that is all I can come up with for you my Druitard friend, happy whale hunting, and if you see any of them PETA freaks, kick em in the balls for me would ya?


There is no Totem's tip of the day for today......







Just kidding, here it is: Always say you're a virgin it lowers expectations and raises congratulations when you rock her world. Women, never say anything, just take it and enjoy the ride, and remember a man like moaning, the odd scream, but we don't need to have a conversation before, during or after sex.


That is all


Totem

[Bearspoor]

Well, it's been an interesting few weeks for Dr. Totem. I originally intended to attend a symposium on sex addiction to get a better grasp on the problems you may be having Baluga, but instead ended up having no less than 47 orgies in a little Taiwanese village on the west coast. This experience has given me more knowledge of sex addiction than most of those eggheads at the symposium (though there is a cute redhead from the psych department from the university of Colorado that I wouldn't mind experimenting on for a few months) could ever hope to amass through their ekg's and blood tests and behaviour studies.

Baluga this is what I've come up with to tell if your man is a sex addict:

When you go out to dinner, all the women know him by name and only stare at his package (if they giggle, you're gonna be disappointed)
You never make it out of the bedroom to go to dinner.
Misses weeks of work at a time because he rubbed it raw, or spent to much time raw dogging it. (The fact that he even has a job is a marvel unto itself)
Single handedly keeps Kleenex in business.
Masterbates between 8 and 10 times in his sleep.
Has already began round two before he has even finished round one.
Can't make it through a whole phone conversation with his mother without rubbing one out.
The first 9 numbers on his speed dial are 900 numbers, the tenth......Miss Cleo.
His room has targets set up all over the place. And he doesn't hunt....
Hookers don't charge him any money any more, they give him freebies.
Has a shrine in homage of John Holmes/Ron Jeremy

A man/woman needs to exhibit all of these to be considered a sex addict. Missing one makes them just very "kinky".

To answer the rest of your questions, yes, shut up and enjoy the rides. Bite down on your lip wrap your hips around, dig your nails in and ride that pony, ride!

It is my belief that all men wish to continue sex after their partner is sleeping. Why? because women look very angelic when sleeping, and we really wanna fuck an angel. So if you open your eyes to a shot in the face, you really should just take it as a compliment. Hey, at least he didn't put it in your ass, right?



That is all

Totem